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Almost 36 years on this rock and I would love to say that the puzzle pieces that make up life are no longer fuzzy and the border is filled in nicely, now it's just that tricky middle to deal with. Though, the truth is that more then ever I just wonder how many pieces are left in the box. I have long since given up on making sense of the random chaos. Realizing that all that comes with understanding is the empty reward of itself.

The research fellowship didn't end up working out for a few reasons. The most pressing being that my mother had some rather drastic medical issues crop up. (Due to this being a public entry and in the interest of her medical privacy, that is all I am going to say here.) She was living with my sister who's husband up and bailed on her and their kids, leaving them in a foreclosed house and swamped in debt. I did the sensible thing. Put a pause on my gypsy ways, canceled my trip to Prague and returned to Utah.

Mom and I house shopped for several weeks until we found a quaint stone abode. Using my masterful skills at contracts and my ability to acquire paying projects due to my mad skillz, I bought the place. Now my sister, her two kids, mom and myself live in the abode. At the time of purchase everything was still going well with the research fellowship. So I wasn't really planning on being in Utah for long. Then it all just collapsed with bullshit politics and I found myself on the verge of a deep depression...

I met a lovely lady online and invited her to "The Warped Tour" here in Utah. With the wind in my hair and the moon over my shoulder, I drove to Phoenix, Arizona to acquire her. I only had her for a few days. But in those hours it was like being in a story book. She's one of those ones who enters your life and gives you a fresh and slanted perspective on every topic she touches. Everything that has a beginning also has an ending; Upon her return to Arizona an old high school sweet heart re-entered the scene, stirred her heart and then ate his own gun. I've let her know I am here for her, but being there for someone hundreds of miles away does no good, really, if they never take you up on it...

Then there was an amazingly beautiful Russian woman from a dating site. Everything seemed amazing. One of the first women I have met since Sinnamon Margarita that absolutely adores the writings of Carlos Castenada. The conversations would often last from sunset until sunrise. Between sipping tea and talking about everything from Journey to Xltan to the art of dreaming and relating it all to life and strange unexplainable cross sections of life experience. Then a surprise message that disclosed her being married and having a child. The look on her face when confronted with the truth and the realization that I was staring at a stranger. So many possibilities just faded into emptiness...

This past week my sister was in Europe with the new man in her life. I had a job interview scheduled in San Francisco, California. I packed up her kids and mom, then took them for a road trip adventure. It was my nieces 10th birthday. So we celebrated it in San Francisco. My gay uncle and his husband ended up being there for my uncles birthday and we had a wonderful time hanging with them after we visited the King Tut exhibition at the De Young Museum in Golden Gate Park...

I had 4 telephone interviews with the company before going out there. Originally it was presented as come out and meet the team and talk terms. Then for whatever reason it turned into 6 intense 30 minute interviews. 1 of which left me feeling like I had drank cayenne pepper through my nose and another which was just weird while the other 4 seemed to go rather well. Then this morning I get two phone calls to tell me that I didn't get the position but they'd like to offer me a different position. I said I'd think about it, but to be honest, I'm not really interested in the other position. It seems like it would be a backwards step in my career. Then I get an e-mail not 30 minutes later saying that things were looking good for the original interviewed position and they'll let me know next Monday. So I called them up with a "WTF?" card. They have yet to get back to me...

I have finally closed the chapter on believing that there is someone out there for me. I am coming to terms with the realization that what is in the cards for others is not a reflection of possibilities for myself. My great-grandfather had a dream that lead him to his bride to be, they were married for 65 years. The expiration date on that kind of situation for me is long expired. Jubal and his lovely Leah are a story book romance. Q and D are a constant smile for me and just a breath of fresh air for my beliefs in romance and communication. For those of you who are Poly and somehow seem to make it through all that drama, having never been successful at keeping one person for more then a few years, you have my respect, condolences and congratulations. . .

Current Location: United States, Utah, Bountiful
Disposition: indifferent indifferent
Auricular confession: Love On the Rocks - Neil Diamond

6 scrawls || Scrawl on Parchment
seidhr From: seidhr Date: October 29th, 2009 02:23 am (UTC) (Link)
Sorry to hear your mom's been ill.

And also that you're back in Utah (though I'm not sure if you consider that a positive or negative).
nandesu From: nandesu Date: October 29th, 2009 05:49 am (UTC) (Link)


Seeing as how I am not mormon, nor am I married, nor do I plan on ever being married (again), Yewtah is a really shitty place to be. ~laughs

seidhr From: seidhr Date: October 30th, 2009 01:26 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Yewtah

Believe me, I understand completely.
chromeangel From: chromeangel Date: October 29th, 2009 02:34 am (UTC) (Link)
condolences accepted and we must hang out again soon ok?
nandesu From: nandesu Date: October 29th, 2009 05:49 am (UTC) (Link)
Yes, we must hang out again soon.
I've heard rumors that you are an amazing cook, I want to try some. ~grin
crushedviolets From: crushedviolets Date: November 2nd, 2009 03:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Just leaves hugs and my best thoughts for you.

6 scrawls || Scrawl on Parchment